Dear Diary,

Today I am 32 weeks pregnant with my fifth child (official pregnancy update coming tonight). I love being a mom, and I feel at least less overwhelmed with motherhood than with the rest of life. My children help me to narrow in and really focus on the everyday, even the minute by minute. If God brings more glamorous ministry into my life, I’ll gladly accept it. But I’m not too worried about my future. It’ll come when it comes.

Who could have known how much motherhood would calm my ambition? I certainly didn’t. If I live this exact life for the next ten years, I know it will only feel like two. Everything is happening so fast, and I desire only to slow down. The older girls are already little ladies; it makes me happy and sad all at the same time. I’m not ready to let them go (even in the little ways), yet I grow more and more aware of the fleetingness of childhood.

Jesus is my life, and so my children are as I lay down my life for them. But I cannot let them take the ultimate place. If then, what will I do when they grow up and leave me? Where will I turn? My all consuming passion must remain with Christ, yet I find myself worrying and fretting over my children even as I pray for them at night. Oh Satan, I see you in those moments. I will not let you have my mind.

I love my children far above my own life. But if that is to be exemplified as truth, I should have no fear for their future. What an honor that God would give them to me; but ultimately, they’re not mine. I’m raising them for the Kingdom, not as ornaments of my home. They’re His children, and I do trust Him with them.

I ask God to raise me up quickly so that my children do not have to wait on my growth. I desire to parent with glorious contentment and my eyes fixed firmly on the end of my salvation. And I want to say, “Come quickly Lord Jesus” with no regrets about what I will miss from this earth.

But for now, this is my wonderful life. I am so grateful to God for his blessing and protection, and I boldly ask Him for more: more peace, more joy, and more faith.

January 31, 2009